Writer Trauma! And Why It Was Probably Good for Me: Part Two

In my last post, I talked about my first experience in writing a novel and how it ended as a bitter disappointment for me (what I jokingly call my "writer trauma"). It's a depressing post in some ways, but I felt it was important to be honest about the difficulties I've encountered on my writing journey so far, rather than pretend they never happened.

Well, that was that post! Now I'm here to discuss why the experience was good for me in the long run. It may sound predictable and trite to say that I grew as a result, and that it reinforced my belief that everything happens for a reason. And while I do believe these things, they're not the primary subject of this post. Instead, I want to talk about how my first failure led directly to my second attempt at writing a novel, and how it's been the most rewarding experience of my life so far.

After finding out my first effort wasn't publishable, I spent about a week feeling incredibly depressed, reading web comics in an effort to distract myself and pretend it never happened. (Not the most productive way to deal with it, perhaps, but comforting nevertheless!) Then I began thinking, "What next?" To my own surprise, I found myself trying to think of new ideas, new stories to write. Originally, I assumed I'd be too upset to even consider writing another novel, at least for a few months. Yet here I was, already brainstorming ideas for another project. I was startled by my own determination to try again; I guess you could say I didn't think I had it in me. That was my first discovery.

My second discovery was that I actually had ideas! This was a big surprise to me, because the first manuscript was the only decent idea I'd ever had for a novel, and I'd been trying to write one since I was eleven. I simply assumed it would take another seven years to have another idea like that. But as soon as I abandoned the first project, my ideas started flowing faster than ever before... Almost like I just needed to get that first idea out of my system, so I could move on to bigger and better things.

I wouldn't believe that last sentence, except it's exactly what happened! Less than two weeks after I'd abandoned my first novel, I began working on the idea that would eventually become my second manuscript. And it wasn't just as good as my first idea... Honestly, it blew the first one out of the water. My first manuscript was a paranormal romance, with a weak plot and borrowed mythology. The second eventually became a YA historical fantasy with a stronger plot and more complex characters, along with a mythology and system of magic that were largely my own inventions.

Oddly enough, the second book is much closer to the type of book I wanted to write in the first place-- I enjoy writing fantasy more than writing romance-- and while I wouldn't claim it's especially unique, the ideas are my own and draw inspiration from various sources, instead of being based upon a single mythology. What's more, the sources were all subjects that have interested me for some time (Arthurian legends, Greek myths, Hermetic alchemy, and ancient astrology, just to name a few), and even the setting was a dream come true (London 1887). I've been a 19th century fanatic since I was nine. The mere thought of having the opportunity to write Victorian dialogue and describe Victorian clothes made me giddy. (Heck, it still does!)

So you could say this second idea was my dream novel. It even came to me during a time when Victorian settings were becoming popular again, so I wasn't too worried that making it historical rather than contemporary would hurt its chances of being published. More importantly, I wanted to write it! In fact, I wanted to write it so badly that after a few weeks of planning, I plunged into the first draft, with only a handful of notes and sketches and a vague idea of where the story was going.

That was in March 2010. Half a year and four painstaking edits later, I have a completed manuscript for submission. I'm sure it's not perfect, and I'm still incredibly green as a writer. But I can say with confidence that my second attempt at a novel was much, much better than my first. It's also my favorite out of all the stories I've created, even the silly, self-indulgent ones that were just for my own enjoyment.

I guess that's why in the end, having a bad experience with my first novel was good for me. I've heard that sometimes writers have to get that first novel out of their system, the one that will never be published, just to learn and grow enough to move on to better things. I never really believed it until it happened to me. Granted, most of those writers learn this lesson AFTER they've received piles of rejection letters, not before! But it was only after I'd abandoned my first project that I realized what kind of novel I really wanted to write, and because of that, I was able to put all my heart and soul into writing the next story. I also learned to give more serious consideration to plot, to put more effort into developing complex characters, and how to edit-- thoughtfully, thoroughly, and over and OVER again. I'm still not perfect, but I've improved a great deal over the past year, and that makes all the effort and the disappointment worthwhile.

Still, maybe the most important discovery I've made about myself as a writer was the first one: I always wanted to keep writing, to try again even though I'd failed. Even now, that discovery keeps me going when I worry about failing a second time. No matter what happens, I know I'll keep writing. Oddly enough, that truth matters more to me than my loftiest goals regarding publication. In a way, my first setback helped me realize what was important-- and that's having a passion for writing, not anything else which might come from it. It might sound cliché, but I believe that's exactly what makes someone a writer: the simple urge to write, regardless of everything else.

Writer Trauma! And Why It Was Probably Good for Me: Part One

So far, I haven't really talked about my novel on this blog. Even though this site is but a humble little corner of the Internet, to the point where it's almost my private space, I don't plan to discuss what my novel's actually ABOUT for many months. Why? Well...

You could say I have trauma. Writer trauma. Unpublished writer trauma, stemming from my first novel-writing experience. See, lots of writers will tell you that trying to get published can be a scary experience. And it is, of course. Most people already know about the odds of getting tons of rejection letters. But sometimes, writers just have bad luck. Really bad luck, even before they get the chance to submit a manuscript. That was the case with me.

See, once upon a time, Seventeen-Year-Old Me was sitting in class and had an idea. But it wasn't just any idea... It was The Idea. The perfect idea for a novel that had never been written, as far as I knew. It was original and romantic and interesting, and once I managed to get it down on paper, it would surely give me a chance to break into the writing business, the very thing I had secretly dreamed of for years! Or so I thought, as naive and optimistic Seventeen-Year-Old Me.

Years passed. I became an undergrad in college and was swamped with coursework. I didn't have much time to write, and when I did I felt exhausted and uninspired. I think I must have started and restarted that novel at least three or four times during this period. Eventually I said to myself, "Enough already! I'll just take a year off after college, write it all down, and then submit it and see if it's publishable!" So that's what I did. After receiving my B.A., I took a year off from school and used that time to draft my first novel. To my surprise, it only took six months! I was so excited to move on to the editing process. Then, just after I finished the first draft... It happened.

The Traumatic Event. The one thing I HADN'T counted on, as I prepared myself for brutal edits and harsh criticism and mountains of rejection letters...

You see, this was when I discovered my brilliant idea had already been written. Not just written, published-- as a very popular, highly anticipated, and VERY recent release. What's more, the basic mythology I had used (the same mythology I was drawn to because "it hadn't been done before") quickly became the new trend in 2009-2010 YA literature, specifically the Paranormal Romance genre-- exactly the same genre as my first novel.

It was an especially bitter pill to swallow, because I realized I was right. My idea was a perfectly marketable, popular idea! Here was the proof, sitting right in front of my face on the bookstore shelves. Even now, it's still a huge trend in the genre. Obviously, I'm not going to say which book made it impossible for me to submit my story. Suffice to say that it not only used the same mythology, but had exactly the same plot twist at the end. (Yeah... Really bad luck, right?) So my options were as follows: rewrite the entire book, give up completely, or move on to something else.

Honestly, I thought I would be forced to give up. I didn't want to, but the truth was I hadn't had a decent idea since that first one seven years ago. I was haunted by all sorts of questions and regrets... If I'd just written down my idea sooner, would I have been published by now? Was my first attempt at a novel going to be my last? Would I ever find something to write about again? Then something strange happened... But that's a story best saved for Part Two. Here's a hint: I moved on and managed to write a second book.

But how have I dealt with the whole another-writer-beat-me-to-it situation? Answer: Not as well as I'd like. The experience has made me pretty paranoid, honestly. Now that I have another novel ready for submission, I've been checking Amazon obsessively, hoping and praying that no one else has written it yet. Every time I discover a novel that's even slightly comparable to my new manuscript, I panic. This is especially pathetic because the new novel would be much more difficult to replicate... But that doesn't mean it's impossible for someone to publish something similar. Then I might find myself where I was before: stuck with a useless manuscript and an unfinished dream and not even the fragile satisfaction that I was rejected for something within my power (i.e. my own work), but instead was once again headed off at the pass by Really Awful Luck (tm).

Yeah. It's not exactly something that helps me sleep better at night. It's all the more terrifying because I am hopelessly in love with this second novel, and I don't want to give it up! I want to have a chance to share this book with other people. I want to write the other books I've planned for the series. I want to keep obsessing over and loving these characters. I don't want to consign them to my writer's dustbin of ideas that didn't pan out. I've had to do it before, and it was terrible then. It would be devastating, no, heartbreaking now. That's why I don't talk about my new idea online. I'm too paranoid someone else will see it and maybe try to write it themselves.

It helps to know I'm not alone. The more I read about other writers who are struggling to get published, the more I realize I'm not the unluckiest person on earth, just another writer who's dared to chase a difficult dream. It also helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with disappointments and insecurities-- and all the anxiety those things can bring. It's nice to know I'm not losing my mind, as I scour the YA section at Borders yet again, heart pounding, palms sweating, terrified I'll discover my dream has been yanked out of my hands for a second time.

But what helps the most is the knowledge that my first experience in trying to write a novel led directly to my second. Simply the process of drafting and editing the new project has been a joy. And that brings me to Part Two, which deals with why my disappointing experience was probably a good thing in the long run.